FROTTAGE The Book of Cockrub

"If you won't fuck, you're not even gay."

Pretty amazing, huh dudes?

How many of us have heard that line before?

I know I have, and I know how those words stay with you.

Particularly because the setting and the situation are so intimate: you've let down your guard, you've taken off your clothes, you're making love with the guy, you're hard for him, you've completely opened yourself up to him.

And then he says -- if you won't fuck, you're not gay. And so inflicts a really deep wound.

I think it helps to look at some of the roots of that incredibly boorish behavior.

First of all, though, I want to say to John that he most certainly is a Warrior.

In the PS to the Site Guide, I say that "the word Warriors is in the club's name to honor all those men who've had the courage to buck the tide of anal sex in gay male life and stay true to their dream."

So John, who stays true to his sexual self despite such overwhelming pressure to get fucked, is without question a Warrior.

And in John's case that pressure would have been especially severe, since "Thomas" is a star, and, presumably, someone who could help John's career.

That makes Thomas' pressuring John the way he did fall under the heading of sexual harrassment by the way. He may not have been his employer, but he was at the least a co-worker who should have known better.

But that's the power of the Buttfuck Dictatorship -- guys into anal simply see anal sex as a right -- much like straight guys who complain bitterly about women who won't "put out" -- it's a patriarchal mindset.

That's why I keep saying: Heterosexual Dictatorship or Buttfuck Dictatorship -- it's the same thing.

Notice too how similar Thomas' attitude toward John is to that of an old-fashioned straight guy toward a woman. John is there to serve Thomas' sexual pleasure -- doesn't matter what John wants. So for a guy like Thomas, the bottom, like a woman, is there to be used, whether he likes it or not.

And that's why I've said that the dominant culture of anal sex isn't simply a health risk to the lives of gay men, but is psychologically damaging as well. Because a person who's used in that way, and particularly a man who thinks he's being used like a woman, experiences a sharp drop in feelings of self-worth. His self-hate then comes out in attitude, bitchiness, and rudeness -- destructive to the community -- and all sorts of psychological problems, including alcohol and drug abuse.

And look at how enraged Thomas gets about "jacking off." Once again, this is the reaction of a member of a majority culture who thinks that certain behaviors are degrading. I talk about that towards the end of my Cockrub Warrior Interview with Jack Nichols.

That fear of degradation is very close to what you hear from racist white men who won't have sex with Black men -- the white guys are afraid that contact with Black skin will literally degrade them, lower their status, make them less worthy members of the dominant white race.

So, without any question there is, among gay men, a dominant culture of anal sex. And the men in that culture behave like members of any majority culture: they are alternately arrogant, self-righteous, and -- when they can't get what they want -- just plain petulant.

Not a pretty picture.

In resisting Thomas, then, John wasn't just resisting an individual, but he was standing up to a huge and tremendously powerful cultural tyranny.

Men who do that -- men like John -- are Warriors -- phallic, masculine, heroic -- brave, loyal, and true.

It's men like John who make our club and our movement so strong.

And our victory so sure.

readin from the same book

bill

reply from warriordb

John,

Thanks for sharing that story. Reading it helped me think through something. I had been feeling rather shallow the past couple of weeks. I had begun a nice e-mail exchange with someone online. We had even spoken once on the phone. I called him. He seemed like a very nice person.

When we began corresponding, I shared my web address. It's my indirect way of letting folks know that I'm into frot and do not care for anal.

However, as we corresponded back and forth, I got the impression that he had not looked at the web site and had no idea as to who I was and what I was into.

Finally, I told him one difficulty I have meeting men is that I'm into frottage and not anal sex. This is the response I received.

"Now ... frontage ... I have a very good idea what that is, but I would like to hear from you what that leaves open between two people that care for one an other..."

Notice he didn't even get "frottage" correct, calling it "frontage." I explained to him about frottage and the connection between men. His response to that was "Gotcha..."

I've since let our communication dwindle away to nothing. I was feeling shallow for "rejecting" someone based on preference for a specific sexual technique. At the same time, I was not feeling like being bothered with the same butt-fuck mentality again. Past experiences with such folks has made for tension. I hold to my principles. They end up feeling like they are being cheated out of something. I'm looking for someone who shares the same joy of grinding that I do.

Your "Book of Cockrub" analogy made it all clear to me.

Thanks

reply from Brian Hulme

Re: The Book of Cockrub

2-15-2009

Having just read this I got my sword and dubbed (via the monitor) John -- he is now Sir John.

But seriously if he does not deserve the title WARRIOR then who does?

I would feel a fraud if John is not given the title and I am proud to know that such a MAN should bear it.

Keep up the good work Warrior John!

Love Brian

AND

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