Frans van der Star

fighting touching and kissing with a man

11-12-2004

I am a man of 54 years living in Holland. Two years ago i had a relation with a man with whom I lived 10 years long. We did anal sex but in my heart i did not like. Eventually the relation broke up. I like fighting touching and kissing with a man. In that respect your site is my fantasy about intimicy with a man.

As a boy let us say twelve years old I liked wrestling with boys. Especially in swimming pools and on the beach. And I noticed that they like. Not wondering in that time whether they are straight or gay. It did not have a name for me. I liked and the boys with whom I wrestled they liked too. But I never touched their phallus, because I think now, I was too shy for that.

When i was in the navy I had a buddy who I touched his body and his phallus and he liked. We were like brothers. We went always together when we had free time. But just once he stabbed me with a knife (not seriously). Just because for the orther boys who might find out what is going on between us. This was for me such harmfull that i decided that i will never start such a relation with a man. At that time i was 21 years old. And my fantasy with boys/men disappeared almost. Sometimes, but was not dominant. This was a pure example of conditioning to the circumstances.

After this period I began to focus myself on girls. I had a few on whom i was in love. And I had sexual feelings for them also. Sometimes I had erotic meetings with boys spontaneously; mostly wrestling;

Eventually I got married. During this marriage I met a boy on my work. We became buddies. He showed during our walks in the park his body, because he was proud he was a good body builder. And he said you can touch me if you want. At first i did not want to, but at last I did. He talked and I talked. There was a huge interaction between us. So we became buddies. And we began to wrestle because I liked and began to like again. I touched his belly and legs. We often went to swimming pool and we wrestled a lot there in the water. Straight or gay was no question we liked each other physically and mentally. One day at the office we looked to each other. I became hot and he became hot. We just fell in love. But both we could not handle this. Actually I was married and had two children. But I was in panic also. Unfaithfull to my spouse in principle, although furtheron nothing happened. In the meantime i met a guy in church with whom it clicked very fast. He was a warrior type. He liked fighting and I like the type. We became buddies also. And we both loved to wrestle in the garden in the swimming pool. By the way he was married also. But for me he was so attractive to me I touched/punched him in the belly, touched his thighs. And he liked, because I heard him then always heavy breathing. In this proces I did not ask myself: are we, is he, am I gay. No we enjoyed; we were buddies helping each other repairing cars; gardenwork; painting.

Since that time I began to watch boys in interacting situations, mostly in the swimming pool. And I found out that boys, and not a few they find each other attractive. And you see that very clear. Especially boys, who are athletic built. So I met a boy in the swimming pool with his buddy. And he wrestled with this guy. But he was so lean and strong and perfectly built; it was a joy to see that. Later on I asked. Can we wrestle and he approved. And it was a joy to wrestle with him. When I saw him later he was always wrestling with guys, while his girlfriend was looking to it. The time I was a boy between 12 and 18 years old returned. Just for to have a clear picture about these liaisons: I never touched the boys' phallus, although I got more and more interested.

In the meantime my sexual intercourse with my spouse became zero. We live as brother and sister in stead of man and wife. I was in church at that time: Baptist Church. It became clear that I was gay. For me it was clear too. Maybe 85% gay and 15% straight.

But this church do not accept homosexuality. So anyone did not want to go along with me. So I got isolated; also from these buddies I mentioned, because all of them were member of Baptist Community. Of course they were afraid that people might condemn them to have at leat erotic contact with me.

But within a few months I met a guy. He was really a buddy. Good guy. But time went by and he wanted fuck-sex. Actually for me I found it not yammi, but I thought let us try. But always I had the thought the bottom is not made to put a penis in it. Shortly: Unnatural.

Years and years went by. And this fuck became hot issue. Eventually we separated after 10 years.

Since eight months I know a boy in Pakistan. He is pathan, that is to say fundamental islam. We both have the same feeling and thoughts about gay. He said to me you are my friend and my brother with whom I will live forever. He likes also competetion in wrestling running teasing.

Really, I am glad I have found your site with the thought I am not the only one, who thinks the same, because most boys want to fuck, although I think they are in fact in a conditioning situation.

This is clear you made a very good point.

Frans van der Star

Netherlands