jon

love him for the man he is

5-7-2007

Dear Patrick:

First I would like to say I think you are such an honorable man for what you are doing here on this site! You and Bill are to be congratulated on your efforts.

I just found M2M a few days ago and since that time I have been through revelations, revolutions and reflections which are still on going.

I would like to offer up my experience of 52 years to the yungins and the other men who will come here. I hope from reading my experience that I can help some of you avoid the ugly traps I fell into. And remember I'm a smart guy and they still got me in the end!

I had a M2M love for 12 years and at the time I don't think I even knew what it was. He was self described as totally straight and he always had a girlfriend, he would keep them at least several years. I was totally gay in my mind but I never fit the gay stereotype. Effeminacy in men turned me off big time, it still does. My gay friends told me I wasn't gay even though I was taking home LOTS of guys to my cool bachelor pad in Boston on Commonwealth Ave. I once got kicked out of Gay Bar for being straight, how humiliating! There are many women I love and admire in my personal life and in general life. Katherine Hepburn. Victoria Black, Amanda Tapping, Lee Grant all come to mind immediately. The woman who is the mother of my niece and nephew is one I admire greatly.

I had once long ago in my early twenties fallen in love with a beautiful woman, in fact I had the desire to marry her at the time. So I have to admit today 30 years later that maybe I wasn't totally gay. I guess you could say I am a deeply closeted straight. That's a big step for me. Whoa there!

Well anyway my M2M love grew out of a deep friendship, we met working at the same bar in Boston, I had just gotten out of a two year M2M with another "straight" friend who had been confused about his sexuality. So I wanted to steer well clear of that and this man knew what he wanted -- women lots of them, that made me feel comfortable. I pursued his friendship, he pursued back. We became close, he would express jealousy at some of my other friends and so I would make sure he didn't have to be exposed to them again.

Eventually we set aside one night every week to go out together, that night was just for the two of us. It didn't matter who he was dating at the time she was not invited, in fact over the 12 years very few people were ever invited out with us on our night. We just wanted to be together alone. This date continued on well through his first marriage that's how important I was to him and he was to me.

He made sure I got to know his entire family, I made sure he got to know mine. I really came to love them all and to this day they still keep in touch with me.

Over the 12 years we slept together a lot but we never touched each other. At the time I felt in my mind that would disrespect his friendship and I was terrified I would lose him. I'd be devastated if I had lost his friendship. I don't know what he felt but he never hesitated to share his bed with me. He once told me that he worried that if the world were to come to an end he would want to make sure he could get to me before the end. He told me he wanted to be with me before anybody else.

Many of you are probably too young to see this as any kind of real possibility today but at that time we were still at the tail end of the cold war so this was not a way-out possibility at all in his thinking. We grew up in a time when we all knew the world could end in any 30 minutes.

This opening he made caused me to fall in love with him. But I still kept my distance, why? because out of my love for his maleness I never wanted to disrespect what he thought of himself. I loved him for the man he is.

I should have heeded this later, love him for the man he is.

He would always invite me on his Saturday nite dates, much to the consternation of his girlfriends. I would only stay through dinner and if we weren't all off to a movie I would make my excuse and leave them. But I couldn't resist spending time with him. He is gorgeous, a body built like a Mack truck, thick thick blond hair and beautiful piercing blue eyes, well developed shoulders, monster pecs. His wrists were beautiful to me, thick, strong and hairy with fine gold hairs swirling over the veins in them.

He always had me at "hello" as they say.

He taught me how to lift weights, we worked out together all the time, we skated together often. He gave me a very healthy respect for my body and keeping in shape.

He gave me golf! What greater gift is there?

Then we fast forward 12 years and my mother takes very sick and dies. I am devastated. Now looking back 15 years I see just how not myself I was. I felt he had not supported me through her death, I supported him through his divorce and this perception on my part drove a wedge between us. There were other growing pains too -- he wanted to start a family so he was dating heavily. I couldn't see how I was going to ever fit in that senario, I think this is where we slipped and fell from men who loved and trusted each other. I was wounded and broken down as a person I felt alienated whether it was real or imagined. We stopped seeing each other for that whole summer. At the end of summer he made a date for us to workout the purpose of which we were to clear the air.

I went.

He said something that just set me off that night. I was so angry I never asked for clarification, why should I it was my mother who had died. I was the one in pain.

Basically I flew into a rage and this is not my nature. Like I said I see now I was not myself. I even see now with 15 years that what he said could have been meant some completely other way.

My reaction was one sided, I shut him out, I turned my shoulder to him and refused to look back. And this is the key for you.

Whether he didn't have the will or maybe I wounded him so deeply, he stopped trying and that was the end. We met several times after this but got no where. He would deny saying what he said I wouldn't let him off the hook. I dug my heels in. There was no reconnection.

He got married again and invited me to the wedding. Out of respect for him, I went. By some weird coincidence they picked their wedding day as my birthday. He told me he thought that was cool. Go figure.

Patrick I made two mistakes. With his nurturing, my love grew to the point I wanted to be climbing into bed with him every night for the rest of our lives. When I fell in love with him I wanted it all with him I so I began to consciously overlook his straightside. His whole maleness included intimacy with me and women, I lost sight of that because I wanted to and it changed my attitude towards him. That was wrong, what I should have done directly, was, I should have told him what I was feeling. That way we both could have decided what we were going to do going forward. I was scared to tell him how much I had fallen in love with him and by holding back from him that left him in the dark. It was like I was deciding what his reaction would be before he knew anything and that is so wrong it is not funny.

My second mistake, I was working from a very wounded space and should been aware of that, not have made everything so, so final. That was wrong, there were two men there, I was only seeing one.

Now I'm not taking total blame, there are things he needs to atone for and I now see there are things I need to atone for to him, we are not perfect!

Many of you are young and at the start of a marvelous adventure. Learn from our experience. Never assume anything your partner is thinking or saying or feeling!! When you are confused or hurting muster the courage and respect his maleness and ask him what he is feeling. He will tell you. And when your feelings change have the courage to tell your partner, share that because it affects both of you, not just you. Don't ever do what I did, don't just shut out the one you love the most, that is too devastating to both of you.

Our love is too rare. This is the hardest part about who we are. Here we are men who love men that are not gay, not straight but both and the love grows and grows. Because of our loving natures "We" cross all kinds of lines and that is a hard path.

There will be great upheavals in all lives, it is part of life here on Earth.

Patrick, I believe all love comes from God. And that the love we feel for each other, the love I felt for him came from God and I was to offer it to him. It was only for him. That to me is the beauty of creation.

God does not make junk, love between men is a beautiful experience and a basic part of Creation.

I will close with my one wish: that somehow some way he will know in his heart:

Peter, I never stopped loving you, I never will.

Jon

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