my masculinity was slipping away



my masculinity was slipping away


Thanks for this website. I read a big chunk of it but theres a lot of information on it! I definitely got the message and its totally made me feel so much better about myself. Im recently out of the closet and still very much butch. Since Ive been out, Ive had problems figuring myself out because Ive always had gf's (still like girls too by the way) but always felt closer to guys, physically and emotionally.

My ex of almost 2 years dumped me because I was not sensitive enough (among other reasons). Both of us were butch but he was 100% gay and over the course of our relationship I saw my masculinity was slowly slipping away. I told him I was becoming a pussy and wasnt happy about it. Me not wanting to have traditional gay sex (anal) also made things go bad for us. Whenever we'd watch pornos, I'd fast forward through the anal sex parts of the video :) Anyways, I never had a frot buddy but wish I did!

I messed with my best friend in HS but he was in total denial about the whole thing and it fucked up our friendship.

Im not really into the gay scene either just mostly because its full of flamers. Nothing against flamers, its just that Im not attracted to that at all. But everytime I go to a gay club, I get hit on alot and every guy that comes up to me always starts with the same question ... "are you gay??" Since Ive come out, Ive made gay friends and was told that gays find straight guys attractive which I guess is why I get hit on a lot. Anyways, I just wished there was a bi- club somewhere that I could hang at to meet people.

So thanks again for the website cuz its made me feel so much better about how I am.

your frot bud,


Bill Weintraub

Re: my masculinity was slipping away


Thank you Steve.

It's a great post and I'm really glad the site is here for you.

Guys, recently we've been attacked for our stance on effeminacy.

But our position on effeminacy is not complicated or difficult to understand:

Effeminacy among gay men, like anal penetration, is a learned behavior.

And like anal, it derives directly from the primary and most fundamental lie about men who have sex with men:

that they're not really men, but a species of pseudo-woman.

That's not true.

There are only two sexes, not three or five or ten, but two: male and female.

And men who have sex with men are MEN.

Steve's post makes this crystal clear.

He says:

"Im recently out of the closet and still very much butch."

And adds:

My ex of almost 2 years dumped me because I was not sensitive enough (among other reasons). Both of us were butch but he was 100% gay and over the course of our relationship I saw my masculinity was slowly slipping away. I told him I was becoming a pussy and wasnt happy about it. Me not wanting to have traditional gay sex (anal) also made things go bad for us.

So: Steve, by nature, is a masculine man.

When he came out, he was pressured by his gay peers and particularly his boyfriend to acculturate into effeminacy -- that is, to learn to act like a parody of a woman.

In Steve's case, that included being told to be more "sensitive" and of course to do anal.

Steve is not unique.

We've all seen guys come out and be acculturated into anal and effeminacy.

Not mysterious.

Anal, promiscuity, and effeminacy are the norms of the subculture, and the price you pay for belonging: act like a sick little girl and get fucked -- a lot.

However: Since effeminacy is a learned behavior, and since it's clearly dysfunctional and dysphoric, and since it obviously facilitates anal penetration, in particular "receptive" anal penetration -- we don't support it.

We don't support *any* self-destructive behaviors among men who have sex with men (MSM), including drug use, anal penetration, effeminacy, and promiscuity.

We don't support them.

We're critical of them.

We make judgments about them.

Which is our God-given right as human beings.

And our Constitutional right as Americans.

In the debate on gay dot com, the shit sex brigade has tried to make it appear that our refusal to support what is by any objective standard bad and self-loathing behavior is "oppressive" of effeminate gay men.


First off, we're not in a position to oppress anyone.

Frot men are oppressed -- we're constantly denigrated for not doing anal and pressured and coerced into doing anal.

Steve is oppressed -- he's being told by his peers that there's something wrong with him because he's masculine and won't do anal.

Where's the gay outrage over that?

We by contrast are not oppressing effeminate men or anyone else.

All we're doing is saying we don't support effeminacy, we reject it in our own lives, and we encourage *all* men who have sex with men to be men and act like men.

Because that's what they are.

That's a message of liberation.

And clearly Steve has experienced it as such: "I definitely got the message and its totally made me feel so much better about myself."

Inevitably, some people, not as strong as Steve, will feel threatened by that message -- just because it is liberating.

But that doesn't mean we should stop putting it forth.

Yet that's what the analists want us to do.

Basically, they want us to shut up and go away so that they're guaranteed a constant supply of -- in their words -- pussyboys and bottombitches.

And so that they can be -- in their words -- sluts and whores.

Not going to happen.

We will not be silenced and we will not go away.

We will continue to put forth our literally life-saving message of cultural renewal and hope to as many men as we can reach.

And to offer them an m2m world in which sex is genital, Fidelity is honored, and masculinity is prized.

It's beyond me what any reasonable person could find to object to in that.

But the butt boyz aren't reasonable.

Analism is a bizarre and murky mix of American consumerism, antiquated "queer theory," and misanthropic gender feminism.

And its adherents have put its preservation ahead of the saving of gay male lives during this terrible epidemic.

In short, analism is intellectually incoherent and morally bankrupt, and what it merits is not our allegiance, but our contempt.

Thank you Steve for being so clear about your own life, and for having the courage to share that clarity with your brothers.

And welcome to the Frot Alliance.

Greg Milliken

Re: my masculinity was slipping away


Thanks Steve for sharing your story with us. Good luck finding a frot bud. The more support we get the easier it will be to do so.

Thanks also Bill for writing yet another well-articulated piece on effeminacy and the analist reality.

Guys, I just want to share something here of the depths the analists will go to in order to smear what we stand for.

They don't come up with intelligent responses to what we are saying, instead they attack what we stand for.

As a general rule, when someone makes a personal attack it is a reflection of their own beliefs and practices. This case is no different.

For starters they accuse us of mimicking the anti-gay hypoChristians (my own term) and ex-gay organizations since we are critical of the gay community.

But let's be realistic, how can a movement that legitimizes and endorses same-sex sex be homophobic?

It can't. What the analists mean to say by this comparison is that they can't fathom someone being critical of their lifestyles.

In other words they can't comprehend why someone would stop having sex with men in order to follow God.

Please note that I'm not endorsing ex-gay organizations or think that is a healthy choice. In fact, most people cannot sustain that lifestyle and eventually convert back to a lifestyle of homosex after a number of years.

But people try to do it, which means there are people out there who find giving up their natural sexual desires and any shot of finding happiness is better than living life in a culture which promotes effeminacy, anal penetration and promiscuity.

Let's look at those options for a minute. That says something pretty dismal about analist culture, if people are rejecting it for an alternative full of self-denial, doesn't it?

That's reality, though.

But these people don't have to live in self-denial. There's a form of sex that two men can have that doesn't need a strong cultural underpinning to support it. They can acknowledge that they love other men and participate in same-sex love without all the cultural baggage that comes with it.

So, yes, we are critical of the analist culture, much like the ex-gay movement. There's nothing unhealthy about that.

However, we don't force our members to deny their sexuality. This means there is a very big difference between ex-gay and frot.

Anyone who tells you there isn't is in denial.

And, much like the ex-gay movement, he will likely try to convince you to get fucked, or become effeminate or promiscuous. He will tell you to do things you don't want to do.

And, much like the ex-gay movement, he'll try to sell it based on the dogma that anal just feels good, and that you're a bad person for not wanting to be effeminate.

In other words, analist culture takes and repeats the UNhealthy parts of the ex-gay movement as its own tenants.

Second, and I'll make this shorter since I've already written too much, they'll want to compare us with nazis.

But let's be reasonable. Standing by and not judging the actions of people who are responsible for the deaths of more than 500,000 men who love men is nazi. In fact, it's strikingly similar to what the people of Germany did during Hitler's reign. So is recruiting young men and forcing them to believe certain tenants about what it means to be gay.

Please note that this last point differs from promotions meant to show people that frot is an alternative to anal penetration.

The frot movement, on the other hand, judges and rejects those actions that are killing so many men.

And we have 25 years of history to prove that it's the better choice.

So we all know who the self-haters, ex-gay mimickers, and nazis are.

While I try to stay away from such arguments, they were brought to me multiple times, so I figured I'd address them.

Just so everyone understands.

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