David

Screaming bloody murder

5-29-2006

Hello guys:

I have been spending LOTS of time online, reading as much of the posts and pages as I can on these sites. I didn't know how thirsty I was for the truth in this HUGH area of my life, my maleness, my male sexuality, my MASCULINE BE-ING. This affects EVERY FACET of my life! I know I have found my path here.

We really do a number on ourselves in this life, don't we? We put layer upon layer of lies, faulty thinking, guilt, shame and bullshit over our souls. We buy into the codependency of our culture and don't learn to be true and whole within ourselves. Why should we? There are plenty of folk out there with their version of the truth...for a price they will share it with you. Why should we put forth any effort to find our own truth? Let someone else do all the work and definitely let someone else take the responsibility! I believe that the truths in our world are all basic, simple, free, and right in front of us...but we do such a good job of covering up the truth by ALLOWING all of these layers to be placed upon us. It weakens us, we wimp out; it becomes so much easier to just go with the flow and stay buried...way to much work and pain to get to the truth ourselves. And it is always someone else's fault, NEVER our own responsibility.

Until we are more afraid to stay the same than we are to change, until we are ready and willing to be RESPONSIBLE, we will not grow.

I want to grow in my human-ness, in my be-ing, in my manhood! I want to be a man of integrity. I want to be responsible. Always!

I have been on a conscious quest for truth in my life for the past few years. Most of the time the truth whispers to me, and when I am actively listening and ready to recieve the truth, I do so. I know that sometimes the truth comes to me but I am not listening. My loss. Other times the truth SHOUTS at me...hits me right between the eyes as when I found this site and recieved the message of truth about my male identity. Bill is SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER and THANK GOD I hear him! That is exactly what anal is...BLOODY, SHITTY MURDER!

Gay pride events will be happening all over the country in the coming weeks/months. I thought I was proud of who I thought I was...but I have to tell you guys I am not feeling any pride in knowing that I thought something was WRONG with me...because I didn't have any interest in anal...because i had and was determined to keep a life partner...because I was turned off by effeminate behavior...because I found no pleasure or fulfillment in having an "open" relationship...because I just wanted to be me, just a guy like any other guy. I claimed to be proud, but I wasn't really...actually I was feeling shame and doubt. I can see that clearly now. I felt ostracized by the very group i wanted so much to fit in to, to take pride in being part of! I allowed the analists to put layer upon layer of BULLSHIT and LIES on my soul! I was trying to be PROUD and I wanted to be associated with a group of people in huge denial...a group of MURDERERS! Guys KNOW that anal sex equals death...but guys do it anyway! So if you know that buttfucking kills and you do it anyway...you are a MURDERER!!! I believe that! So, today, I am not feeling ANY pride in knowing I wanted so much to be part of that crowd.

When I found this site and the TRUTH screamed at me, I truly felt liberated. I feel a sense of peace that I have never really experienced. It makes sense because what we are talking about is much more, so much more than anal...what we are talking about is BE-ING, as a man, as a human.

I am in a good place today; I am happy. I still have a lot of work to do, but I KNOW I am on the right path. And this is a path to completeness...physical, mental, and definitely spiritual.

I plan to be involved in the upcoming gay pride events in my community. I am learning to be a PROUD GAY MAN by MY definition. I am definitely PROUD to be a MAN, a FROT MAN, a COCKRUB WARRIOR.

Forgive me if this post is somewhat rambling...needless to say i have been rather pensive of late.

To Bill and all of great guys that add to this site...THANK YOU! You are my brothers.

Bearhugs, David