Oscar Vallejo

I LOVE MEN

2-23-2005

I love men.

Deeply, intensely, from the bottom of my heart and with all my force.

Being an agnostic, I see God in men, in the human being, His Masterpiece.

That's why I have been always an out of the closet person, taking this to the extreme, I said I was gay in front of a TV camera, here in my born city.

Because since I realized I loved men I knew I couldn't live hiding it, I just could't live denying it, pretending it's not true.

And I like them, most of them are beautiful and attractive.

I love every part of the male body, specially if it is healthy and strong.

I've always felt that this love wasn't a shame , but on the contrary, it helps me to be nobler, stronger. That's why I've never understood why society is so hostile to gay people, I thought that that was an absolute nonsense, now I can see why, Im beginning to understand it , not justify it, just understand it.

In my experience collaborating almost full-time in the Metropolitan Community Church and throughout this eleven years I have lived as an openly gay man, I have seen that this kind of feelings separates gay people in two big groups:

Those who feel proud, well and comfortable with their sexuality, whom an inner voice (call it however you want: consciousness, God, inner child etc) , tells them that is OK being like that, and makes them thank God for it.

And those who feel bad, dirty, guilty for their sexuality, those who feel that God or life played them a bad joke making them defective and unworthy.

It seems that there's even two psychological definitions for them: egodystonical, and egosyntonical, I'm sure I spelled it wrong but my point is, that this self-image is vital, crucial.

Because these points of view are irreconciliable.

I logically always been around gay people from the first group, people just like me, but I've met guys from the second group and I've always felt a deep compassionate feeling because most if not everyone of them live in a real hell. These persons think that nothing is enough punishment for them.

They are the perfect customer for the ex-gay movements, for abusive sects and partners and drug dealers. They don't see their sexuality as a blessing but as a curse, and usually don't even try to integrate it to their other aspects of their lifes but live it as a horrible secret or burden and practice it compulsively or furtively. Or they can be the most wild activists, radical, fanatic, intransigent , pursuing not the good, but a desperate and perverse confirmation for their guilt... I have seen it; nobody can deny it to me

And it's completely logical:

if I'm already bad how can I talk to God?

If I'm already sick what if I get another disease?

If I'm perverse what if I explore and live every imaginable fetish and paraphilia?

If I'm defective how can I be loved?

You get my point.

I don't know why this happens, I don't know if this is because of society messages, usually wrong about gay persons, I don't know if because of how much love your parents gave you, or some early childhood trauma, I don't know and who does? But what I know is that I can't be much time close to one person like this, because I've seen that this people seek if not punishment, their total self-destruction, sometimes they're a deeply buried in a closet full of lies, shame, paranoia, wrong ideas about sexuality and identity, or they can be scandalously effeminate and rude with people, trying to disturb everyone around them with their behavior and bitterness also called bitchness.

Even being an agnostic I helped in various ways to the MCC because I think that is very healthy to gay men to be spiritual, reflexive and self-critical, just like for any other group. And that's why I became a Cockrub Warrior, because of the precious values this movement endorses: fidelity, masculinity, healthy, or we could say in a word: INTEGRITY.

Not fragmented lives, identities, persons but integrated people.

Integrated within themselves and integrated in society.

Thank God, for me has been relatively easy to integrate all the aspects of my life, I was raised by two lovely persons who love me more than anything and in my family sexuality is not but a part of life, something we talk about openly and almost candidly, just imagine, in Christmas dinner I told my parents and brother that I'm a Frot man, and explained them how. And as usual, they supported me, and they were happy knowing that I wouldn't expose me again to get some deadly pathogen unnecessarily.

I wanted everyone to be as lucky as me, but unfortunately some just can't; but in case you hate yourself and you feel guilty and ashamed about what you do sexually then this kind of coherence and integration becomes almost impossible.

As I said before, I love men.

And I love gay men.

Since I'm a teenager I've tried to help gay people, my people, I've tried to do give them something positive, to do something good for them, but as every person that has ever tried to do something good for others knows, it's not easy.

I thought that promiscuity was freedom and I promoted it and I was terribly wrong.

I thought that if I was gay, I HAD to like anal sex, and I was mistaken.

The first days I found the Alliance sites, I felt bothered, but I remembered why I supported MCC: because we gay men need to start to criticize the culture we have build.

We gay men need to defeat our arrogance and stubbornness. Gay culture is far from perfect, but we have been so lectured, ridiculed and threatened by the ignorance-driven people that now we don't recognize a wise advice, a plain truth.

We must be careful, sensitive and open our ears to new options, new possibilities, as Frot meant to me, a much better option.

Thanks, my warrior brothers.

Oscar Vallejo