Oscar Vallejo



I love men.

Deeply, intensely, from the bottom of my heart and with all my force.

Being an agnostic, I see God in men, in the human being, His Masterpiece.

That's why I have been always an out of the closet person, taking this to the extreme, I said I was gay in front of a TV camera, here in my born city.

Because since I realized I loved men I knew I couldn't live hiding it, I just could't live denying it, pretending it's not true.

And I like them, most of them are beautiful and attractive.

I love every part of the male body, specially if it is healthy and strong.

I've always felt that this love wasn't a shame , but on the contrary, it helps me to be nobler, stronger. That's why I've never understood why society is so hostile to gay people, I thought that that was an absolute nonsense, now I can see why, Im beginning to understand it , not justify it, just understand it.

In my experience collaborating almost full-time in the Metropolitan Community Church and throughout this eleven years I have lived as an openly gay man, I have seen that this kind of feelings separates gay people in two big groups:

Those who feel proud, well and comfortable with their sexuality, whom an inner voice (call it however you want: consciousness, God, inner child etc) , tells them that is OK being like that, and makes them thank God for it.

And those who feel bad, dirty, guilty for their sexuality, those who feel that God or life played them a bad joke making them defective and unworthy.

It seems that there's even two psychological definitions for them: egodystonical, and egosyntonical, I'm sure I spelled it wrong but my point is, that this self-image is vital, crucial.

Because these points of view are irreconciliable.

I logically always been around gay people from the first group, people just like me, but I've met guys from the second group and I've always felt a deep compassionate feeling because most if not everyone of them live in a real hell. These persons think that nothing is enough punishment for them.

They are the perfect customer for the ex-gay movements, for abusive sects and partners and drug dealers. They don't see their sexuality as a blessing but as a curse, and usually don't even try to integrate it to their other aspects of their lifes but live it as a horrible secret or burden and practice it compulsively or furtively. Or they can be the most wild activists, radical, fanatic, intransigent , pursuing not the good, but a desperate and perverse confirmation for their guilt... I have seen it; nobody can deny it to me

And it's completely logical:

if I'm already bad how can I talk to God?

If I'm already sick what if I get another disease?

If I'm perverse what if I explore and live every imaginable fetish and paraphilia?

If I'm defective how can I be loved?

You get my point.

I don't know why this happens, I don't know if this is because of society messages, usually wrong about gay persons, I don't know if because of how much love your parents gave you, or some early childhood trauma, I don't know and who does? But what I know is that I can't be much time close to one person like this, because I've seen that this people seek if not punishment, their total self-destruction, sometimes they're a deeply buried in a closet full of lies, shame, paranoia, wrong ideas about sexuality and identity, or they can be scandalously effeminate and rude with people, trying to disturb everyone around them with their behavior and bitterness also called bitchness.

Even being an agnostic I helped in various ways to the MCC because I think that is very healthy to gay men to be spiritual, reflexive and self-critical, just like for any other group. And that's why I became a Cockrub Warrior, because of the precious values this movement endorses: fidelity, masculinity, healthy, or we could say in a word: INTEGRITY.

Not fragmented lives, identities, persons but integrated people.

Integrated within themselves and integrated in society.

Thank God, for me has been relatively easy to integrate all the aspects of my life, I was raised by two lovely persons who love me more than anything and in my family sexuality is not but a part of life, something we talk about openly and almost candidly, just imagine, in Christmas dinner I told my parents and brother that I'm a Frot man, and explained them how. And as usual, they supported me, and they were happy knowing that I wouldn't expose me again to get some deadly pathogen unnecessarily.

I wanted everyone to be as lucky as me, but unfortunately some just can't; but in case you hate yourself and you feel guilty and ashamed about what you do sexually then this kind of coherence and integration becomes almost impossible.

As I said before, I love men.

And I love gay men.

Since I'm a teenager I've tried to help gay people, my people, I've tried to do give them something positive, to do something good for them, but as every person that has ever tried to do something good for others knows, it's not easy.

I thought that promiscuity was freedom and I promoted it and I was terribly wrong.

I thought that if I was gay, I HAD to like anal sex, and I was mistaken.

The first days I found the Alliance sites, I felt bothered, but I remembered why I supported MCC: because we gay men need to start to criticize the culture we have build.

We gay men need to defeat our arrogance and stubbornness. Gay culture is far from perfect, but we have been so lectured, ridiculed and threatened by the ignorance-driven people that now we don't recognize a wise advice, a plain truth.

We must be careful, sensitive and open our ears to new options, new possibilities, as Frot meant to me, a much better option.

Thanks, my warrior brothers.

Oscar Vallejo




Great post, Oscar!

Let me relate a personal story: about 6 months ago I met a very handsome, masculine looking man through an online ad. Our "date" started out very pleasantly. We cuddled on the sofa while watching a movie. Later we took our clothes off and climbed into bed. It was wonderful at first, feeling a guy with a wonderful hard body against mine and kissing him. But then---and you all probably know what is coming up---but then he asked me to fuck him. So then came the usual fumbling for the condoms and lube, figuring out what position he liked and finally the attempt to penetrate him. By the time I was inside him, all of the joy had drained from the experience. Everything felt wrong and disgusting. After some thrusting, I pulled out and we both masturbated to orgasm. But there was no real pleasure left in the experience by then. Any connection we might have had was lost forever. And a few minutes later, he offered to drive me to the train. (In other words, he wanted me out A.S.A.P.) When I got home, I jumped into the shower to wash off. I felt unclean, and not just because I had my dick up a guy's ass. This was the last time I participated in anal sex, but it was not the first time the same sort of awful scenario unfolded. For me, ass fucking was never like it was in porn films. It wasn't fun and it destroyed intimacy. It always made me feel used, top or bottom.

For 25 years I've thought there was something wrong with me. Ass fucking is part of being gay , right? I wasn't doing it correctly, or I was just meeting the wrong sort of guys, right? Well, wrong. After coming across Bill's site and doing some thinking, a light bulb finally went off in my head: Anal sex is not erotic -- it's dirty, degrading, dangerous and disgusting and it has nothing to do with being gay. It's a fringe fetish that has somehow become the supposed ultimate sexual experience for most gay men.

I've lived through seeing 500,000 of my gay brothers die from AIDS. I've lost track of all of the friends who have died. And for what? The dubious pleasures of ass fucking and promiscuity. The sexual revolution has meant de facto genocide for gay men. The religious right hasn't killed us---we've killed ourselves. But enough is enough. We're alive and we can stay alive. Reject the lies, reject the propoganda, be real men. Men who love men. Your ass is for shitting only. That's the truth.

"More life. The great work begins."

---Tony Kushner, Angels in America





I gotta agree with you there mate, I really never found anal sex that stimulating. I find it almost impossible to stay hard in condoms even if they are 'super thin'. I think men look stupid being fucked and I dont feel powerful fucking them and I tend to disprespect them for enjoying it to be honest as I have feared and rarely enjoyed recienving feeling it to be really irrelevant to the whole m2m attraction. i just love men but i only love men who respect themslves and me, and its getting harder to find men with a healthy mindset.

I became HIV+ 7 yrs ago and it was the result of new exploration and I dont think it was directly related to anal sex. - possible fingers in bums or something i dont know.. but Iwas very dissapointed as I really had the desire for a monogomous M2M relationship after years in the Pentecostal church- an experience I found sad, confusing, debilitating and oppressive.

Im single and have had a few bfs and now I have a question for you. My best mate and I have bonded recently. He identifies as straight and has a live in gf but before he got his gf we sat naked taking pics of ourselves on the webcam one night drunk. we all but rubbed our cocks together although i know it could have happened. THe only reason I didnt push it further is that I feared losing him as a mate. I love him and I know he loves me but he has never 'been' with a guy and he finds it hard to give let alone recieve a hug from a man. He knows I prefer men to women and that I desire a monogomous bf, and he love spending time with men. HOW CAN I ASK HIM TO GO THAT STEP FURTHER WITH ME? I really am in love with him and want intimacy beyond talk. Our eyes speak love all the time and Im so frustrated. This has happened to me many times in my life but he accepts me as a man attracted to men but wont meet me half way. He says its not him but his eyes seems so lost and wanting. We are both masculine men and like each other bodies and our cocks are the same! It would be great to enjoy this physical love. How can I reassure him that our mateship wont suffer from this new level of love?? HELP!

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