Bill Weintraub

Re: splendid site

6-25-2002

hey reese

thank you for your kind words -- i'm glad the site has been so helpful for you

we can see from Reese's post that the equation gay = anal has the same effect upon men whether they consider themselves gay or nongay

that is, it discourages them from looking for and finding the type of m2m contact they love and need

so that's why i don't want to get bogged down in questions about how people self-define

because unlike gay male establishment figures like Dan Savage, who's out there pimping for anal with every breath he takes, i don't care how men self-define -- i just don't think it's important

what's important is to help men feel free to express their authentic and natural sexuality -- not what some cultural overlay, be it gay or str8, says they should express

so that men can rediscover what Reese tells us he had in adolescence: that wonderful, carefree, innocent yet awesome pleasure and male connection that only cock2cock can provide

When Reese posted, we were at the beginning of a discussion in the Alliance about the validity of gay-bi-straight labels.

The reply above is the one I posted.

I wrote another, which I didn't post back in 2002, but which I'm posting here now in October, 2005:

Alternate reply

hey reese

thank you for your kind words -- i'm glad the site has been so helpful for you

i want to address once again the question of categories like gay, homosexual, bi, and str8 -- because sometimes these terms are useful, and at others they can get in our way

many of the men on this site identify as "gay" or "homosexual" -- usually what that means to them is that most of their sexual and relationship interests are with other men

that doesn't necessarily mean they have no sexual interest in women -- many gay men for example father children, and some have ongoing sexual and emotional relationships with wives or female friends -- but they identify as gay because their feelings for men are stronger than for women

recently, some of us on this site have moved away from using the word "gay" to describe ourselves because that word is heavily identified with anal so-called sex, and we don't do anal

and because there are other behaviors that have become identified with mainstream "gay male" culture that don't characterize us either: promiscuity and effeminacy for example

BUT -- there are other guys on this site who say, i'm gay, and i don't do anal, and i'm not willing to surrender the word gay to analists -- it belongs to me too, it took me a long time to come to terms with being gay, and i'm not going to let analists own this word

either way is fine -- what's important is to be clear that being a man who likes to have sex with other men doesn't mean that you have to do anal, or be promiscuous, or act effeminate

similarly, we're now getting a lot of guys on the site who say, i'm definitely not gay or homosexual, i love having sex with women, but i also know that i want sexual contact with other men

and i know that i don't want that contact to be anal

others, like Pete, who posted About Dickfighting, are more traditionally bisexual: Pete refers to himself as a "man's man," but throughout his life he's had sexual relationships with both men and women

and the sex has been frot, never anal -- indeed, Pete says that even with women he doesn't do a lot of conventional penetrative sex, because he feels there are more pleasurable ways for a man and a woman to have sex

so that his sex with women is, to his way of thinking, very similar to the sex he's had with men

or, as he puts it, "people are people"

now, i feel very strongly that there's no point to saying to someone like Pete or Reese, "if you're having sex with men, or thinking about it, you're a homosexual"

because first of all, clearly they're not, and more to the point, only they know how they feel -- and we need to listen to what they're telling us when they say, "i'm not gay"

unfortunately, many people remain hung up on the question of why some men are more attracted to other men than they are to women

but to me, the real question is, why does that matter?

the traditional answer is that it matters because there's a religious prohibition against men having sex with men, and there's a widespread feeling that men who have sex with men are surrendering their masculinity

but the guys on this site, whatever our other religious beliefs may be, don't accept a religious prohibition against same-sex sex, and the way we love to have sex with other guys doesn't involve any diminution of masculinity

and that's not because, as some analists have charged, we have a fear of being penetrated

it's because we have no interest in either penetrating or being penetrated by another guy -- instead what we've always been after, from childhood on, is the uniquely masculine bond that two men can only experience face to face and cock to cock

that wonderful, carefree, innocent yet awesome cock2cock pleasure and male connection that Reese and so many others of us experienced as adolescents

so that's why i'll keep on saying that this isn't about gays, it's about guys

and it's about guys having an experience that's unique to men -- something that only two men can do

phallic mating, cock2cock -- uniquely male and uniquely ours

Update from Bill Weintraub

It's now 2010, our discussion has moved forward, and in the Alliance we've decisively rejected the gay-straight-bi labels.

To understand why, please ck out this article:

Sex Between Men: An Activity, Not a Condition.

AND