Michael

the way i originally felt my life should go

10-17-2003

Where do I start, from where I am now.

Well I always knew I wanted to be with a guy, thing was it wasn't that easy. I always had and still have a thing for guys that are and were my best friends and or just other friends from around the way.

I only really had one experience with wrestling around a couple times with my old best friend Rick, back in high school. We hung out and looked out for each other 24/7, genuine love. Guess you could say I was in love, even though he had a girl friend. We would always get hard quick as the intensity and contact escalated, and we'd grab each others basket if there wasn't any way out of a hold or pin. I usually was the one to start grabbing cause I wanted more you know, hell I'd even grab him for the hell of it, only when we wrestled anyhow.

I could feel he was and could get more into it but the surrounding circumstances, expectations from family and friends didn't give time and courage to do so. In our rights we were quite the personalities and infamous, had local social scrutiny of being bad asses and we were down right cool and had appearances to up hold. So after some time, our friendship ended with my brother's car part being heisted out of the garage and onto his car, apparently one of our other friends reportedly took it, and it could be he didn't know whose it was - but my trust was out the door. We had seen each other at a party later and I wasn't done with him yet. Well - I smacked him a couple times and he wouldn't fight - I wanted him to fight back so bad. Emotionally I wanted him back so bad. But the evidence was there and so it ended. And with me back to square one on figuring out how to make my way with these feelings and still in search of male bonding lifestyle. That was when I was 17-18 years old.

I am 34 now, and life then kept going full throttle, lots of alcohol, not too many drugs -- but enough, had my first gay experience at 18 out of school, and knew that was closer to what I wanted than what I had had. Most gay guys I have ever encountered hence don't appreciate wrestling around for sport or sex. Sex should be nice with a different sense of passion. Hell...Momma never raised me to be a sissy. But I must say I've tried to blend in with what being gay is and does, and you know I just can't and don't feel it.

Sure I have had my share of same sex partners and tried it all. Still quite reserved and homophobic. Just didn't know I had any alternative choices/ practices. Straight or Gay. Since stumbling on "Frot", I am amazed at the memories, the way I had originally felt my life should go and was heading. It's really awaking to know that I can travel an old road I didn't know went anywhere with guys like me existed. My passions and vigor and self views are evolving once again, I used to feel like a gay man in a straight world, and straight man in gay world, not fitting completely in either. The future is looking brighter and more challenging. Lets see who says uncle first.

Thanks

Michael

Big D

Re: the way i originally felt my life should go

10-30-2003

Part of the confusion in my life has pretty much mirrored what you have described. I'm gay,and it has taken me many years to deal with and acknowledge it.

I'm like you, most of my straight friends have not really thought I was gay, and now that I associate with gays, some of them have asked me if I was really gay.

No where does it say that you have to be fem to be gay. My straight friends never undestood why I never had a female partner. They just thought I was eccentric. I'm masculine to the point my gay friends don't understand it.

Being gay is nothing more than an appreciation and longing for the male body. What your are, you are. Be happy with it. If I had had access to a site like this earlier, I would have had a happier life.

Keep on thinking free.

Dennis

Big D

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