My partner and I came together as frot brothers a little over 8 years ago. Prior to coming together as lovers we knew each other as friends for a few years. During that time he was living with another man who was very much into anal. My partner and this man had frequent fights and arguments because this man wanted anal but my partner did not want anything to do with it. One day in the middle of the night my friend and soon to be partner came to my house in tears. His partner had forced him to have anal sex and, in my opinion, this was homosexual rape.

That is the night that my friend left the relationship with that man and never went back. In fact, I moved my friend into my house and he has been with me ever sense. He and I developed a frottage relationship and today our relationship is very strong. But, the man my lover is today is not the man he was that night he came in tears to my house after being forced into anal by the man he lived with. It has taken all these 8 years for me and my partner to rebuild his own sense of masculinity and it has not been an easy task.

One of the first walls my partner had to overcome was his sense of being violated and feeling dirty all the time. Another hurdle he had to overcome was that of playing the role of "female" in relationships. I found myself having to constantly remind him that I did not want him playing the role of "female" in our newly established frot relationship. His exlover had really done a number on him psychologically by forcing him into such a role and making him believe that he must be submissive. I myself find both detestable!! When I began to talk to him about man to man relationships based on frot he looked at me as if I had just fallen off Mars. He had no idea that two men could have a relationship as man to man or as equals.

From the very first time that we were together I turned him on to face to face frottage sex. He had somewhat of a hard time with this because he kept expecting me to do anal on him or whatever. But, before long as we continued to engage in frot I began to notice some changes in him. He was very happy with frot and very comfortable with face to face contact. I consistently gave him the message that he and I were equals and both men.

Over the past 8 years I have helped him to regain his masculinity which his former partner had brutally stolen from him. I have helped him to regain his dignity not just as a man but as a human being. And, I have helped him come to the realization that two men can love each other, have sex together, and all without anal. He came to realize that our relationship was actually building and strengthening masculinity in both of us. Now instead of feeling shame for being a male he feels pride. Now instead of being ashamed of his nude male body he feels pride for his manhood and for his own nudity. Now he is physically, psychologically, and spiritually strong and is far from the weak and defeated person he was in his old relationship. Now he is a man as am I and our relationship is based on man to man with neither playing the false role of female. And, today both of us are happy.

On the night that he was raped by his former BF [buttfuck] lover I got the police involved. It astounded me that they really did not take it all seriously. I could see the smirks on their faces as they talked to him that night. Further, we soon found out that there are little to no support services in the community for men who have been raped by other men and this just blew me away! It seems our society thinks that only women are raped. Yet, male rape happens more than society seems to want to believe.

Healing takes time and healing is what has taken place with my lover over the past 8 years. It has not been an easy road. I have had many battles with him in my effort to destroy the brainwashing instilled in him by his former BF partner. One of the biggest battles has been that he does not have to act effeminate! Overcoming this idea instilled by him by the BFD has been a major battle for both of us. He used to be so much into thinking that I expected him to act effeminate and subservient but, in fact I expected and wanted him to act masculine and as my equal. Over the years he has finally gotten this message, thank God!!

I share this personal story with you because I am sure that my present partner is not the only male out there who has had anal forced upon them against their will. I want other men who have been raped to know that it is possible to rebuild one's life and to regain one's masculinity. And I want those who are locked into the BFD to know that there is a way out. The road to rebuilding is hard but it is acheivable.

The BFD really did a number on my partner and I saw nothing short of destruction in him. I see similar destruction in those who continue to be a part of the BFD. I see nothing in anal that serves to promote a man's health on any level of being!!

Both of us used to refer to ourselves as "gay" but today we no longer use that term because it does not describe our relationship at all. Today we simply refer to ourselves as frot brothers or as, simply, "brothers of the heart." We are equal. We are men. We are soul mates. Individually we are strong and together he and I are stronger. We are warrior brothers fighting as partners against the BFD and the askew social "norms" which serve only to destroy a man's masculinity. As warrior brothers we are equals and we strengthen not only ourselves but each other. As warrior brothers we honor each other and are completely loyal to each other in our relationship. Yet, many involved in the BFD do not understand this loyalty and it is because loyalty to one's partner is not a value of the BFD.

AIDS is a result of anal sex and the BFD. AIDS is highly destructive but so is the psychospiritual destruction that takes place within a man into anal, femininity, and submissiveness. Overcoming that psychospiritual destruction is difficult but it can be done. Having been forced into doing something like anal against one's will does not have to ruin a man's life forever. All this can be overcome by regaining one's warrior spirit and begin walking the road towards restoration of one's masculinity.

Robert Loring, Th.D., Ph.D.

April 5, 2004

Also by Robert Loring: Brothers of the Heart