Bill Weintraub

Re: Really confused

7-4-2005

Hey bokujin

Thank you for your post.

Guys, I wrote to bokujin privately about the last line in his post:

"Sometimes I feel like I want to do away with myself."

If any of you have suicidal thoughts or feelings which you think you might act on, you need to contact a psychiatrist or psychotherapist right away.

Those feelings are not only unpleasant, but potentially dangerous, and they need to be addressed.

Although I was, at one time in my life, a social worker, I'm not a therapist, and I'm not competent to address them.

I'm a gay and political activist, and what I'm doing now primarily is trying to move gay and bi and other "men who have sex with men" (MSM) away from anal and promiscuity and towards Frot and Fidelity.

So again, if you're having suicidal feelings, you need to talk to someone who's trained in helping people deal with those feelings.

What I can tell bokujin and anyone else, simply as a peer, as another guy who's into guys, is that I too have had feelings like that at times in my life.

I'm sure many other guys can say the same.

But what I've learned is that being into other guys is no reason to do away with myself.

Because it's very common for guys to be into guys.

And not only are most guys into other guys --

But guys have sex with other guys --

all the time.

Society keeps that a secret -- society lies about it.

But it's nevertheless true.

Bokujin titled his post "Really confused."

The reason he's confused is that society has lied to him all his life about both the true nature of men and the nature of men who love men.

It's those lies which are the problem.

And those lies have given most men -- not just gay men -- but most men -- major problems at various times in their lives.

All of you -- not just bokujin -- need to start fighting those lies.

Because they've dogged you all your life.

Instead of doing away with yourself -- why not do away with the lies?

And thus help both yourself and a lot of other men.

That's the essence of what this site -- and my life -- have been about.

When I was a kid I was not just confused but tormented -- as many of us have been -- by all the lies told about men and men who love men.

Once I'd figured out how greatly and unrelentingly I'd been lied to, I resolved I would spend my life telling the truth about men and men who love men.

That no matter what the rest of the world said, I would tell the truth.

And that's what I've done.

No matter what the rest of the world has said.

Here's a truth:

An anus is not a vagina.

Recently someone wrote to me that when he first saw that page, he thought it was a joke.

It's not a joke.

It's the truth.

The anatomical, morphological, and physiological truth.

Incontrovertible.

Yet within gay male life, men who refuse to treat their anuses as though they were vaginas are denigrated, ridiculed, pressured, and coerced.

And men like myself -- Chuck Tarver, Jim Lynch -- who speak out against treating an anus like a vagina -- are pilloried.

Doesn't matter.

Cause it doesn't change the truth:

An anus is not a vagina.

Here's another truth:

Men who have sex with men are men.

Not women and not pseudo-women.

They're men.

I've been attacked incessantly for telling that truth.

Doesn't matter.

It's still the truth.

Men who have sex with men are men.

Now -- let's look at a bokujin's post, which is primarily concerned with what happens when society fails to acknowledge that second truth.

I've liked guys since I was probably 7 years old.

That's very common -- lots of guys have liked other guys since they were kids.

I grew up in a small backhills college town, where it was major taboo to do anything which was male to male (at least, it was portrayed that way), so I never followed up on that. All the way through high school, I watched the really confident, masculine guys wrestle, jerk off in the shower room at school, get hard ons in the locker room and challenge each other to suck it. I was offended and scared by it, because in reality, I wanted to be one of them, but thought they'd call me "fag". I was afraid to let anyone see me aroused.

This is something I addressed in my reply to Griffin's post, A pal, a play mate and a dude, where I talked about what naked wrestler calls "the fag sports thing" -- guys being afraid to take part in normal adolescent male activities for fear of getting hard and being exposed.

Yet as bokujin says,

the other guys did it all the time and didn't worry about it: I watched the really confident, masculine guys wrestle, jerk off in the shower room at school, get hard ons in the locker room and challenge each other...

And no called them "fag."

So again -- wrestling, horsing around, getting hard-ons, challenging each other -- those are all just guy things, and our desire to take part in them is a normal part of being a guy.

I had a couple of chances, in my first year of college, to get close to a guy, but it scared me, and I thought I'd be really bad for doing it. Consequently, I dissociated myself from other men, and remain disconnected to this day.

Again that's very common, and it's really unfortunate.

Because there's no reason not to connect with other men.

Nor is it good not to connect with other men.

Men need to be around men.

Male sociobiology is predicated on group male activities which, among other things, heighten testosterone.

And most men need a sexual connection with another man as well.

Which means, bokujin and everyone else, that it's not merely likely, but it's a certainty, that some of those "really confident, masculine guys" who wrestled, jerked off in the shower room at school, and got hard ons in the locker room -- were also getting hard ons in more private places -- places where they could rub cocks.

I know nothing about sports, I don't hunt, fish or anything. I joined the Mormon Church just before college, seeing it as a refuge from myself, a place to hide from that desire to be close to a man.

The LDS church and others like it may be a good place to hide.

But they're not a good place to be.

I married a woman who had three children from her first marriage, and e had two of our own.

Again, that's very common.

A lot of guys who are into guys marry women.

Usually because they're really into women too, but sometimes because they're hiding out, and because they don't see any place for themselves among other men who love men.

Hopefully bokujin experienced at least parts of his marriage as a good thing -- because it's certainly good, for example, for a man to have kids.

All through the years, I've wanted a brother, a playmate, an intimate male connection, and have yet to create one.

That too is true of lots of guys.

And that's the good news: a LOT of other guys want a brother, a playmate, an intimate male connection too.

And it's possible to create that connection.

Once you've decided that's what you really want to do.

Interesting to note, however, that never did I find anal sex the least bit stimulating. Frot and oral, cuddling and hugging and kissing have been VERY attractive to me.

That just means you're a normal man.

Anal penetration is predominant in a really tiny gay male subculture in the US.

Most "men who have sex with men" are not part of that analist subculture.

They're just guys.

I feel that it's too late for me, now, at age 49. I'll go to my grave without ever knowing an intimate relationship with a man -- even an intimate friendship.

It's not too late.

Lots of guys have their first male relationship when they're in their 50s.

I'm 57 and I met my second partner -- Patrick -- when I was 54.

So you're not too old.

If you want an intimate relationship with a guy you can have that.

Like anything else in life, it will take some work.

But you can have it if you want it.

True story: a few days ago I ran into an old friend, Joe, in the supermarket.

I hadn't seen him in a couple of years.

Three years ago, however, when he turned 50, he told me that he was determined, for the first time in his life, to have a male lover.

And sure enough, when I saw him at the supermarket he said to me, "I got married [to a man]."

And he flashed a very handsome wedding band.

How did Joe pull that off?

He worked at it.

He didn't just put up a post in Frot Club.

He went to events and helped facilitate them.

He and I for example had an Alliance booth at the local gay pride festival -- a booth which he initiated.

He joined the board of the local festival.

He went to social events.

Always keeping his eye on the prize.

The point is that he worked towards his goal.

He wasn't passive.

And his activism paid off.

I've recently gone back to school, since the kids are all grown and gone, to leave my career of programmer/analyst to become (get this) an interior designer. How cliche. How stereotyped. Makes me sick, but I'm very good at it, I love it, and my wife and children support me.

Fine.

If you're good at it and you love it -- then do it and don't worry about stereotypes.

It's only a cliche and a stereotype if you choose to live it that way.

Live your life -- no one else's.

My late lover Brett had a terrific sense of design.

He was a very masculine man.

The design sense ran in his family -- his sister's an architect.

I have very little sense of design -- as some of you have not hesitated to inform me.

Neither does my sister.

This has nothing to do with gay -- this has to do with a talent for design.

Another example:

Robert, the guy who cut my hair when I lived in NYC, was a gay man.

That's a cliche -- the gay hairburner.

Robert was not a cliche and his life was not stereotyped:

He was a big, handsome, very masculine guy, he was not a flibbertigibbet and he was not promiscuous.

He had a talent for cutting hair, and he made use of it.

Sometimes I feel like I want to do away with myself.

This is where we came in.

And again, I know that feeling, and too many of us do.

But being a guy who's into other guys is no reason to do away with yourself.

To repeat:

Basically, society has lied to you about the nature of men and the nature of men who have sex with men.

What I encourage you to do -- all of you -- is to start fighting those lies.

They've dogged you all your life.

Instead of doing away with yourself -- why not do away with the lies?

And thus help both yourself and a lot of other men.

I've often ended my posts with the words,

"Fight back.

Save your life."

That's not propaganda.

That's reality.

The only way to save your life is to fight these destructive lies.

And the time to start is now.

Not twenty or thirty years from now.

Again I thank bokujin for his post.

I hope that he finds his way, and that he comes to understand that he's not the problem.

The lies are the problem.

Working together, we have the power to end those lies.

But it has to be a group effort.

Muhammad Ali said, "Service to others is the rent we pay for space on earth."

Too many of you however don't want to pay that rent; you want what I call "a private solution" -- you want sex and/or an LTR, and after that you don't want to have anything to do with your fellow men.

That's not a strategy for anything.

Except a selfish, fucked-up, and lonely subsistence.

Fight back.

Save your life.

GP

Re: Really confused

7-5-2005

I think its really cool youve written in.

There are plenty of guys in that situation and Ive seen many in my line of work over the years as well..men sharing secret but intimate, special relationships.

It happens almost everywhere!

Ive never thought 49 as being THAT old mate, you should try your luck, theres more guys out there like you than you think..you never know!

Thanks for sharing & Best of luck,

GP