Re: the wholesome wonder in man-to-man, dick-to-dick

9-17-2007

Thank you Lawrence.

Guys, I asked Lawrence for permission to post his email because I know there are many Men out there for whom his story will resonate.

This is my reply to Lawrence, which I hope will help some of you too:

Right on, Brother!

I cannot believe I stumbled onto your Man2Man Alliance website.

Lawrence, I'm glad you found us.

But I'm sorry that you, like so many others, "stumbled" onto us.

We need to reach the literally millions of men, like yourself, who are eager and ready to hear our message.

Directly.

Without stumbling.

You're telling me!---that I haven't been a freak all these years for rejecting an analistic gay lifestyle?!?

No, you're not a freak, and you're most certainly not alone.

What I suggest you do, just for starters, is read Warriors Speak, starting from the first page and going forward.

You'll see there are a great many men like yourself.

And of course the accounts you're reading represent only those guys who've taken the time to write.

For each one of those, there are 10,000 or 100,000 who never write, but who read, agree, and are strengthened and empowered by those accounts.

That's why they're so important.

For 6 years in an earlier life, far far away, I lived an open gay life, out to family and friends. But alas, the gay life was not for me. The anal gay life was not for me. Was there any other way?

I ended up getting married, raising a family. Sixteen years later I was divorced. Any surprise there?

No, again unfortunately, there isn't.

You know, Lawrence, I've heard so many stories like your own.

And basically what I tell our guys is that we can speak of a natural history of the lives of men into Frot.

The history varies a bit depending upon whether the guy is straight-identified or gay-identified.

But it goes like this:

1. A boy grows up with feelings and fantasies about Frot.

   Feelings which are completely normal and natural.

2. In adolescence, those feelings of course take on great power.

3. If the guy is lucky, he has a friend or Frot buddy as a teenager.

4. But post adolescence:

   1. If the guy is straight-identified, he experiences enormous pressure to put any same-sex fantasies and activity behind him, and eventually, to marry.

      Which he does, but he never forgets his fantasies and / or experiences, and throughout his life looks for a way to realize them, even as he believes that he's completely alone.

   2. If the guy is gay-identified, he usually and eventually "comes out" into a gay male world in which he experiences enormous pressure to put his Frot fantasies behind him, and to enter into an analist lifestyle.

      Which he does, but he never forgets his fantasies or experiences, and throughout his life looks for a way to realize them, even as he believes that he's completely alone.

      Some gay-identified men stay in that analist world, hating it but going along to get along; some become celibate; and some, like yourself, marry and then divorce.

      None are happy.

5. If he's lucky, the guy, whether gay- or straight-identified, "stumbles" upon our site, and begins to learn the truth.

   About Frot, about Men, about Masculinity.

That's what happens.

Over and over and over again, I hear the same story.

Of course there are personal variations, but the basic outline is depressingly the same.

That's just the truth.

I wish it weren't.

And I believe in time we can, working together, change that.

But for literally millions of men, it is the truth -- for now.

I was a good husband, just not a great husband in all regards.

Okay.

Lawrence, let me suggest to you and try to explain to you that our contemporary life, which puts so much emphasis on the "heterosexual" nuclear family, is way out of whack with historical and cross-cultural custom and reality.

As you read more deeply on the site, you'll learn about what we call heterosexualization;

and the invention of the categories of sexual orientation.

And you'll see that "sexual orientation" and these omnipresent and very oppressive labels of "gay" and "straight" are of very recent vintage, and in our view, of NO validity.

In other societies, a man like yourself would not have had to choose, nor would you have felt the need to choose, between having a wife and having a life as a Man.

Including as a Man who Loves another Man.

You wouldn't have had to make that choice.

Lawrence, it's great that you've retained custody of your sons, and that your ex and you are on good terms.

But, was that divorce necessary?

Well, probably, in our culture, yes.

But -- throughout the rest of terrestrial time and space, NO.

And let me stress that neither of these concepts -- of heterosexualization and sexual orientation -- including as we present them -- are radical.

There is much discussion within the academy of the switch from same-gender or homosocial spaces to mixed-gender / heterosexual spaces from the Industrial Revolution forward into the 20th century, and the accompanying medicalization, beginning in 1869, of same-sex affection, intimacy and love.

I talk about some of that academic discussion in Warriorhood and Male Intimacy.

I hope you'll ck it out.

I now have full custody of my 3 sons. And they have been the saving grace of my life.

That's great!

My ex and I are on excellent terms now; better yet she is on good terms with her kids.

That too is good.

And now--- I stumble on to your site. If I had only known then....

Yes, exactly.

Much as I dream of having a frot buddy, maybe I'm too far down this road I've taken to find my way back to that dream. I'm 50 years old now. I'm a father. Hopefully someday, a Grandfather.

I understand.

You know, ideally, you would have met someone in adolescence and bonded with him then and been together for the rest of your lives.

But, guys do meet guys later in life -- including through Frot Club.

I lost my first partner, Brett, to AIDS in 1995.

I met my second partner and now husband, Patrick through this site in 2002.

At that time I was 54 and he was 45,

So guys do meet and come together later in life.

So I've donated and my donation goes out there to your beautiful website and to the hope you give to all those for whom it is not too late to make the choice.

Thank you Lawrence -- what you've done is really and truly important.

You're a brave man, Bill and my hat goes off to you.

Thank you.

Even when I was an open gay man, I was somewhat ashamed to be to be associated as gay. Because it went without saying that I must also be an anal gay man.

Yes.

But even that idea is relatively recent.

Prior to 1975, and particularly in the 50s and 60s, anal without question was a minority and fringe practice.

After 1975, anal took off, and within 6 years, we had AIDS.

Not complicated.

And if such a thing bothered and disgusted me, wouldn't it disgust my family and friends who were struggling to accept me?

Yes -- it should have.

And I finally figured that I just couldn't live with the sodomy aspect of that world.

Well, I know that was painful, but what I hope you'll realize now is that your failure to adapt to analism -- speaks well of you.

Because it does.

Some things we should not adapt to.

Anal is one of them.

I was a freak. I was the only gay man alive, masculine and wanting only the emotional and physical thrill of frot (which didn't even have a name back then). So I made my choices. The only choices I felt were available to me.

Again, and believe me, I understand.

But now, at least, you know that you have other choices -- if you want to exercise them.

Thank you, Bill for making available a better choice. Here's to all the men who have a choice for a better and loving man-to-man relationship. SPREAD THE WORD !!!!!

That's what we're doing, and, with your help, will continue to do.

Lawrence

(Thanks again, Bill. I feel I can hold my head higher knowing that I'm not a freak, that there is a wholesome wonder in man-to-man, dick-to-dick)

Lawrence, that's beautifully said.

It's also accurate.

There's a wholesome wonder in man-to-man, dick-to-dick.

"wholesome"

There's a passage in the Jewish prayer book that I've commented on before.

In it, the late Rabbi Joseph Hertz says

There is in man, created in the image of God, a Divine spark: each human life, therefore, is sacred and of infinite worth.

Of course that's correct.

And then he adds

Because of that spark, a human being is far other than a chattel, or a thing; he is a personality, endowed with the right to life, honour, and the fruits of his labour.

Life, labor, honor -- it's an interesting list.

So: human beings aren't things, and they're not chattels.

Which means they're not sex toys -- they're not objects.

They're endowed with the right to life.

Which means they're not to be infected, in a brutal and callous act, an act which serves lust and lust alone, with a fatal or even potentially fatal disease.

And human beings also have the right, says the Rabbi, to honor.

To live with honor -- honorably.

Decently.

Wholesomely.

Rabbi Hertz goes on to say

Justice -- i.e., this reverence for the rights of others -- is something more than mere abstaining from injury to our fellow-men. It is a positive conception, and embraces charity, philanthropy and every endeavour to bring out what is noblest and best in others.

That's what we seek to do:

To bring out what is noblest and best in Men: in the True Love of Man for Man.

That's what we're doing.

That's why we speak of Honor.

And Fidelity.

And Masculinity.

Lawrence used the phrase "wholesome wonder."

The wonder is that this Noble and Heroic Love, this Faithful and Masculine Love, is also Natural.

Innate.

And instinctive.

It's something that Men, like Lawrence, know about, without ever having been taught or told.

It's something that they hold on to, despite the scorn and denigration, and, yes, hate, of the society, whether "gay" or "straight," that surrounds them.

That's the truth.

That's the truth about Men and Frot.

That's the truth about the "wholesome wonder of man-to-man, dick-to-dick."

Guys -- please help us get the word about that wonder -- out.

No one is well-served by keeping it a secret.

No one.

And least of all you.

Thank you Lawrence.

You're a true Warrior.

Bill Weintraub

September 17, 2007

© All material Copyright 2007 by Bill Weintraub. All rights reserved.