A couple of nights ago I had a dream about a buddy who came to visit me. He took off his clothes, got into bed, and beckoned me. I did not join him, but I leaned over him, kissed him, and left his side. When I came back he was gone. Though his body was not there, his presence remained. He had left items, everyday things, behind. Things I never remember him ever bringing. But they were there nonetheless. They left me to wonder if he was ever going to return.

I am not the biblical Joseph. I am not an interpreter of dreams. I left those things to my late maternal grandmother. She read signs in newspaper comic strips. She could see the things I could not. She would have been able to dissect the intricate patterns of my nocturnal tapestry.

Yet even I can interpret this dream. And so I begin:

It is about the relationship I have with this man. It is about relationships men have with other men. It is about affection and caring, companionship and loyalty. It's about something that is rare in today's male friendships - especially in those between men who have sex with men.

For those of you, like me, who have rejected the notion of heterocentric sex values, those who choose not to define themselves as tops or as bottoms, those who reject the anal, buttfucking, cornholing, you may understand my dream -- my relationship with this man. I like him. Just being near him is comforting. And yes, I have eroticized him, eroticized his body. But it goes far beyond sex. Sitting with him at lunch with our bodies close to each other, knees sometimes touching, is power.

This is the power of heroic masculinity. We have seen it the ancient myths of Gilgamesh and Enkidu, Patroclus and Achilles, Set and Horus, and the Sacred Band of Thebes. But like many men, I reduce things down to my desires. I become irrational, angry and irritated when I do not get what I want. This is hegemonic masculinity -- a type of masculinity that destroys and blinds us to our own selfish ambitions.

The man in my dream is straight and married. He has given me many things. I could not see those things until he left. He offered me something and out of fear I rejected him because he was not willing to give me what I wanted. I would never be content. I felt as if I was the only one who gave. Now I have come to a realization.

What I need, what we all need as men is to understand and appreciate each other for the things we bring to a relationship. When I see my friends entranced with a new boyfriend because he represents some ideal, I realize that we, as men, have reduced each other to icons and images - and have forgotten the people, the men, behind those images. Having a big cock, or a hairy chest, or hard muscles is nice. But it should not blind us to what's beyond. The phallus is important. It's a symbol, a testament, of being. But it's essential that we honor the keeper of the symbol as well as the sacred symbol itself.

The heroic journey is a long one - and rarely ends the way the hero wants it to. Both Achilles and Gilgamesh lost their companions, but they gained wisdom and glory. A hero is a builder, a protector. He is loyal and dedicated and has a fondness for past things, for structures that remain, life patterns and presences. He accepts life's challenges and his foundation is his own sense of truth. He respects and nourishes his body and his mind and has the heart of a lion. In essence he is true.

I know that my friend will return. I know because he has never left. Whether he is here in body with me or not, I can still feel the bond that ties me to him. I felt this bond the first time I ever saw him. It is the same bond I have with my former lover, my best friend, and other friends who have since come and gone.

They are with me. Their spirits remain. For that I am grateful. As true warriors we need to build our lives on the solid foundation that these friendships bring. As true lovers we need to take our time, explore and get to know our potential partners and see them for who they are and not what we want them to be. We must find the erotic in everyday things with our lovers and explore them with all of our senses - touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound. That is the true nature of being. The true nature of heroic masculinity.

Rob

September, 2001