Unquote

Bill Weintraub

Re: GayCanada Message Board - ANAL SEX - IT KILLS

1/12/2002

A Letter from Bill Weintraub, founder of Cockrub Warriors and HeroicHomosex .

David McQuarrie showed me Neal's post, which was interesting to me only in so far as it was fairly typical of the responses I've gotten from men into anal who, like Neal, are in a position to shape opinion in the gay community.

What's striking in these responses is the high level of denial.

For example, Neal says that "sex is sex." I've heard that one before. It's a bit like saying "food is food." That's true as far as it goes, but some food may be poisonous, or laden with carcinogens, or high in cholesterol, or spoiled, or just not taste good. So as a practical matter and a matter of survival, we learn as children to evaluate food in many different ways before we eat it.

The same is true of sex -- different sex acts carry different levels of pleasure and/or danger, and Neal's statement that sex "is risky no matter how you look at it" is demonstrably false.

For example, I had a very active, passionate and deeply fulfilling skin-on-skin frottage sex life with my lover who was infected with HIV and who died of AIDS.

Yet I remained and am to this day HIV negative.

Had I had an anal skin-on-skin relationship with him, I'd have been infected and would probably be dead by now.

As a matter of fact, in 30 years of being a sexually active man into frottage, the only STD I've had was crabs, and that was when I first came out. I've never had syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, genital warts, intestinal parasites, or any strain of hepatitis.

Not to mention HIV.

When it comes to risk, then, sex isn't sex, and the difference between frottage and anal is analogous to the difference between taking a stroll down a quiet country road and attempting to cross against traffic at rush hour in mid-town Manhattan.

If you do the first, you're unlikely to be harmed. If you do the second, you'll get squashed flat in seconds.

So though Neal claims to be in touch with the risks associated with anal, I think he's in denial. I'd be more likely to believe what he says if he simply admitted that anal was dangerous -- indeed one of the most dangerous activities known to human beings at present -- and that frottage is, compared to anal or any other form of sex, extraordinarily safe.

Neal does admit that his first experience with anal wasn't good, and that it took "time and practice" before anal became part of his sexual life. That's exactly what I've been saying: that anal sex is a learned behavior and an acquired taste. No matter what Neal may think, it isn't natural -- it's something that has to be learned and adapted to.

And once again Neal is in denial about how that happens. In his first paragraph he claims that anal is part of his culture, but in his second he says he wasn't brainwashed. Which is it? If anal is part of his culture, and he had to learn to enjoy it, then he was acculturated into the experience -- and in this case, what's striking in his testimony is that he admits that he had to learn to enjoy a type of sex that at first "wasn't the best" and is very dangerous -- a fact he well understands, since he's on an AIDS advisory committee.

So why did he go ahead and learn to "enjoy" anal? Because his culture was full of messages which he believed that said, "If it's not anal, it's not gay."

Whether we call that brainwashing or acculturation, the effect is the same -- a person voluntarily learns to enjoy an activity that is not in itself pleasurable and that carries a high degree of risk.

Neal also says that anal is "a part of his culture," as though that's reason enough not to question it. But is it? When I was a boy, racial segration was part of my culture. Many of those who defended racial segregation believed it was part of the natural order of things, just as do many guys into anal. Fortunately, there were those who questioned segregation, and it ceased to be, if not part of the culture, at least the law of the land.

Now, I'm glad to learn that Neal is not anally promiscuous and enjoys his intimacy with his partner, and I want him to understand that I'm not interested in destroying that intimacy or taking anal sex away from him.

But I'd feel a lot better about Neal and his advisory position on Calgary AIDS if I heard two things from him:

First, that he understands that for a vast number of men who have sex with men, anal is never part of the equation. These men may identify as bi, or straight. But those who are gay, like myself, deeply resent the constant promotion and exaltation of anal sex as the ultimate gay sex act -- which we know it is not -- and the accompanying pressure and coercion we experience to have anal sex.

We're often told, in that regard, that anal is an adjunct to intimacy. That's a lie.

For myself, anal penetration was never an aid to intimacy -- on the contrary, it was and is a turn-off and a barrier for me. If a man suggests it, I say no. And if he importunes me about it, I get rid of him.

Because for me, anal and sex do not go together. And I've been "gay" a lot longer than Neal.

Second, I wonder if Neal could tell me what Calgary AIDS is doing to promote non-anal alternatives among men who have sex with men. Anything? Is any part of Calgary AIDS' budget spent on discussing frottage or JO? -- two very human, natural, and male activities that nobody has to learn or get accustomed to.

My guess is that his answer would be -- not a dime. Instead, vast amounts of money and time are spent devising new and better ways of saying "Use a condom every time." And then adding, for emphasis: "Every time." Which translates into -- "Have anal every time -- every time." That's why the rate of infection is on the rise. Something else that Neal attempts to whitewash and deny.

But there's no getting around it. Barebacking and drug use - the two go together because drugs are used to mask the pain of anal - are increasing. And anal sex is a vector for every STD -- every one of them. If you don't believe me, go read the page on anal at gayhealth.com. And the anus is not a vagina -- something else that gayhealth.com will tell you. It's not an organ of sexual pleasure -- not at all. It's an organ of elimination. The "pleasure" in receiving anal sex is psychological -- it's a mind trip.

That's not true of frottage. Frottage is genital-genital sex. It's full-body, and it's experienced in the body.

So Neal is wrong. Sex isn't sex, and it's not all risky. Some forms of sex are dangerous, and some aren't. Some come to us naturally, and some have to be learned. And some have a vast cultural apparatus, including AIDS councils, propping them up, and some, like frottage, survive despite the enmity of the culture of the men who practice it.

Here's my challenge to Neal: that you print out this letter or forward it via email to the members of your council. My full name and email address are attached, and I'd like to hear what they think.

Bill Weintraub

BillWeintraub@Man2ManAlliance.org

cockster

Re: GayCanada Message Board - ANAL SEX - IT KILLS

1/12/2002

Bill, that was a powerful letter.

I see that 365gay.com have "accidentally" wiped all our postings. And are advising people with "sexual issues" to use another board on 365gay.com , which doesn't exist.

Dave, great posts ... all of them. I just posted this on gaycanada.com

The 'anal' culture is out there ... in every sense of the word. It's interesting that some shout out 'civil liberty !' 'individual right!' as soon as anyone even begins a discussion of a different 'way'. I don't hear anyone saying 'can't' 'not allowed to'. What some guys are owning up to is that anal sex is not the ultimate sex act for them. They have other ways of reaching sexual satisfaction. And yes we think it's better than anal sex. Is that so threatening ? At the end of the day ... do what you want ... one life and all that. But don't cry wolf about rights and choices.

I even managed a little chuckle over the last hour or so. As I checked around the boards ... checked in here. I had to laugh. The reactions to our forray are hysterical ... guys are claiming that we are suggesting interferring with their civil liberties and life choices. Web masters and bogus experts are suggesting that we are upsetting the gays, confusing them ... by talking about sexual issues not realated to condoms, drugs, barebacking, suck&fuck et al.

The ignorant person who suggests that we are manifesting 'internalised homophobia' (a dislike of gays who are not gay like us) ... can I swear on this site ?

WHAT A SAD FUCK !!!

It shows the sheer intellectual and conceptual laziness of these guys, they are unable to see that beginning to talk about sexual practices not realated to male/male penetration or sub dom sexual interactions. Should not be threatening to rational adults.

Beginning that discussion is not proposing any restriction on individual rights. The arrogance of western cultures never ceases to amaze me. We do not have to travel very far in this world to be made starkly aware of how fortunate we are to have a passport from a G7 nation.

Howling like stuck pigs, at the same time alluding to human rights and commonly held values, shows how they will demean and belittle anything in their desperation to defend the butt fuck dictatorship.

It's real ... all power to you warriors ...

I think I'll have a drink.

cockster

1/12/2002

Re: GayCanada Message Board - ANAL SEX - IT KILLS

I've had another hour or so looking at the uk boards, and posting on 2 of them.

What I notice is the lack of a category for 'safe sex' in any of them.

I think the owners of these sites are afraid to be seen to encourage any 'sexual' postings. Any that refer to the act of sex.

I'm sure you will agree that they seem to bend this rule when it comes to 'mainstream' sexual practices.

I feel they project an impression that 'safe sex' is somehow tainted ... an acknowledgment of a danger ... they feel this danger is best controlled 'their way'.

I have often said that modern western gay culture ridicules safe sex practices like frot and cocktocock. When we speak up they treat us as part of the problem.

Keep posting guys

Bill Weintraub

Re: GayCanada Message Board - ANAL SEX - IT KILLS

1/12/2002

365Gay.com is lying.

I checked the board about 5 hours ago and they had already made the post about the erasure, but all our posts were still up.

Then they went ahead and erased our posts -- but left up the ones about the Salvation Army etc.

Talk about liars and sniveling little cowards!

When I tried to post a response to their erasure post, I got a message that the "moderator" was reading all posts in advance.

GayToday, however, is carrying my letter critical of them -- it will be up all of next week.

So they'll get some negative publicity.

But dudes -- let what David and the Cockster are telling you be a lesson to you.

When I ask you to post you have to move quickly -- you can't dither -- cause the opportunity passes.

There will be many more battles.

And I expect you to fight.

Bill Weintraub

Re: GayCanada Message Board - ANAL SEX - IT KILLS

1/13/2002

Joe Kramer also tried to post at 365gay.com and discovered, as I did, that they were blatantly lying about the deletion of posts.

Here are two posts Joe tried to make on the site. Both were censored.

Dear Lads,

There is a censor of this forum. I am a sex educator. I started the Body Electric School and I wrote a post about sex education which was deleted by the erotophobic censor. And he lied to me and the group when he said, "Message board Collapse--Our apologies to everyone who has posted here. In attempting to make a "simple" change to organize things a bit better, a slip of the finger erased all postings." Sex is inappropriate in this forum but lying is OK.

I didn't really think he/she had lied until I posted my comments on politics, education and sex AFTER THE big SLIP OF THE FINGER. Well, the censor's finger slipped again after the above slip. My last post was deleted. It took me a half hour to compose. I will not be posting again on an erotophobic site. Another slip of the finger will delete this criticism, I am sure.

Joseph Kramer

Dear Editor,

Since AIDS began, I have been a sex educator. I began the Body Electric School. I have taught sexual health throughout Canada. I am just completing my Ph.D. in Human Sexuality, so that I can better serve the GLBT community with life-saving information. I have attempted to participate in a discussion on sexual health and sexual politics in your forum. My post was deleted. I was lied to by someone who can't spell but who is the CENSOR!

I protest the censoring of intelligent discussion about sex in your forums. I further protest that you allow someone to blatantly lie to forum participants. R. Sands wrote "Message board Collapse--Our apologies to everyone who has posted here. In attempting to make a "simple" change to organize things a bit better, a slip of the finger erased all postings." In reality, Sands was just censoring posts he/she was uncomfortable with.

As editor, you must know that computer competency doesn't mean someone is competent to oversee your bulletin board. I recommend replacing Sands with someone with a broader perspective.

Your censor also posted the following: Sexual Postings to Peronals Board. Being computer literate doesn't mean that someone has the spelling capacity of a sixth grader. And this is the person you allow to censor important and intelligent discussion about sex and politics: a liar and someone who can't spell!!!

He/she probably wears white shoes after Labor Day.

I welcome your response before I post my 365gay censorship concerns in other gay forums.

Joseph Kramer

[They responded to Joe, but with so many more lies that it's pointless to post them]

We will continue to fight.

AND