Where do I fit?



Where do I fit?


I like this site. There are many stories similar to mine. But I don't consider myself a warrior. The only battles I have now are with my health. I have not one but two incurable illnesses, one of which is a degenerative neurological disorder that will eventually be fatal. I don't have HIV/AIDS. I am sixty years old.

I recognized that I was different from other guys at the age of three. I admired a soldier back from WWII who lived next door. I can't recall what he looked like, but I really enjoyed seeing him shirtless when he worked in the backyard.

At about age 8 or 9 I had my first sexual encounter with a neighborhood kid who was 3-4 years older. I got naked, but he was unwilling. I had an erection. The kid picked on me quite a bit, and he held a piece of wood over my head, much like a guillotine, dropped it, and it hit my mouth. (That was a reminder to me in the future of risk-taking when you get naked with a friend.)

In the seventh grade I had to write a biographical sketch, and I recognized at that time that I was "different from" other guys. Seeing a handsome male classmate was very stimulating. I sat with other guys who had similiar "interests."

High school and college were sexually uneventful times. It was only after going to grad school that I finally had the nerve to go home with another male. It was a disaster. As it happened, the guy lived next door to one of my profs, someone whom I did not like. I couldn't function sexually.

It was not until about four years later that I had another such encounter, this time with a hustler in Piedmont Park (Atlanta). We went to a motel, and it took me a long time to relax. I came, he was paid, and we went our separate ways. But I learned from that event that I wanted more than what happened in the motel. I wanted a relationship with someone special.

It was not until I was almost 40 years old that I met a cute guy who had similar interests. We both enjoyed music. He came over on a Saturday night. We consummated Sunday morning. He moved in the following Tuesday. And we have been together 22 monogamous years.

We both have big-time health problems now. They (illnesses and meds for them) affect our interest in and ability to have a normal sex life.

However, the impossible may have been aided by your website. Stories of other men who prefer a man to man kind of relationship, not limited to the 'usual" gay scene and its "requisite" types of sexual expression (anal, oral, etc.). It's nice to read the tales of other men who also have felt they were "different" early in their lives, but nonetheless moved ahead despite those differences to become whole, if not holy in their own way.

I am not a warrior and don't really care to be at this time in my life. I lack the stamina and endurance. My physique would not be appealing to many guys. But I am like the warriors described in the Personal Stories, and I'm glad to have the opportunity to read their stories. Maybe my story will help someone else.

Thanks for reading this.


Bill Weintraub

Re: Where do I fit?


Thank you Jim.

In an email, Jim said that "We tried oral, but really prefer lots of cuddling and mutual j/o. Not exciting to some, but intensely personal--and meaningful--to us."

This is a choice -- of mutually genital and very masculine, uniquely male sex -- which does not need defending.

Jim also said that he doesn't "consider himself a warrior."

There's sometimes some confusion over what we mean by "warrior."

At its most basic, however, the word "warrior" when used on the site is simply a validation of masculinity among men who have sex with men.

It doesn't imply one form of Frot (such as cock combat) over another (such as slow, sensual Frot) or being in the military or even training in a combat sport like wrestling or a martial art like karate -- though we do recommend that sort of training.

First and foremost, then, we use the word "warrior" to empower men into Frot -- Frot men -- and strengthen them in their naturally masculine sexual choice.

And in that sense Jim and his love do fit in -- perhaps as what Brad has called "gentle warriors."

Because, as Jim said, "We tried oral, but really prefer lots of cuddling and mutual j/o. Not exciting to some, but intensely personal--and meaningful--to us (monogamous relationship for 22 yrs)."

That's a history of which any warrior pair can be proud.

In addition, there are two other senses in which we use the term "warrior."

Sociobiologists have established that the ability and inclination of men to bond into warrior bands is instinctive and genetic, a special case of "reciprocal altruism," and without question, as a recent correspondent said, part of our birthright as men.

Today, that daily experience of the warrior bond has been lost, though by no means forgotten, because the material conditions of life which sustained it have changed.

Simply put, warfare is no longer so endemic as it once was; human beings have learned and indeed been forced to cooperate on an ever greater scale.

That does not mean that warfare itself is entirely atavistic, or that we might not see a resurgence in warfare as conditions change in the future.

For now, however, our job is to renew the idea of the warrior and make the warrior relevant again.

And that's one of the things we do here:

We say to guys, that rather than lives consumed by meaningless, compulsive promiscuity and anal penetration -- what Patrick aptly calls "pansyism" -- there's a warrior model of men loving men *as men,* phallically and faithfully.

And that too is part of your birthright as a man -- the ability to bond fiercely, exclusively, and phallically to another man.

Fierce, exclusive, phallic.

Those are the components of an erotically-expressed bond between warriors.

And between men.

That's the second sense in which we use the word "warrior," and we point to the many famous erotically-bonded warrior pairs of myth and history -- Gilgamesh and Enkidu, Achilles and Patroclus, David and Jonathan, Harmodius and Aristogeiton, Alexander and Hephaestion, Cu Chulainn and Ferdia -- as role models for men today.

Which they are.

When Gilgamesh shouts in battle, "Two men, companions, they can prevail!" he presents a model.

As does Achilles when he bandages Patroclus' wound; and when later he avenges Patroclus' death.

And David when he looks after Jonathan's orphaned son.

And Aristogeiton when he guards Harmodius' honor.

And Cu Chulainn when he says of himself and Ferdia, "Fast friends, forest companions, We made one bed And slept one sleep."

Those are all models.

And they're models not just of bonded warrior behavior, but of moral warrior behavior.

And that's the third sense in which we use the term warrior -- as someone fighting the good fight.

In our case, working to overthrow the analist and hetero tyrannies, and freeing men to be their authentic sexual selves.

We need to remember, in that regard, that many of the warrior virtues, such as courage, and many warrior skills, such as in weaponry, are morally neutral.

Spears have been bravely thrown, arrows flown, and guns fired in bad causes as well as good.

So there has to be a moral dimension to the warrior.

Are Jim and his love warriors?

In my view, yes.

After years of searching and abstinence -- not a bad thing again in my view -- they found each other and have been together monogamously and true sexually for 22 years.

Now, as they face the illnesses of middle age -- which we all will -- they're caring for each other.

That's classic warrior behavior, it's morally good behavior, it's behavior worth talking about and publicizing.


We discuss the warrior ethos in many places on the site; if you're interested in learning more, a good place to begin is on the Definitions page with our discussion of Heroic Love and Warrior Altruism.

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