Levi's 501's

The "CCC's" of Lovemaking -- not f*****g

4/21/2002

Dear Bill and fellow frottagers,

This letter is lengthy and I hope that you'll take the time to read it in its entirety. Its content might more be directed to those who may question the validity of frottage as a means of sexual expression or love making and may quell the doubts of those who prefer full-bodily-contact in an otherwise "front-on-your-back" or "legs-in-the-air" mainstream gay community.

Allow me to begin by stating what I describe as the "CCC's" regarding our preferred method of love making. They are for the most part characteristically the same but I'll attempt to put them into three categories.

Before I begin it needs to be made perfectly clear that there is a marked difference between love making and purely having sex, whether it's anal, oral, or frottage. The method of our sexual expression is not at point here -- just yet. However, we could certainly agree that just having sex often times is very physically satisfying but can indeed leave one wanting something that is deeper and even more satisfying. We, as human beings, are intrinsically designed for companionship, to love and be loved, and therefore seek to have that need fulfilled by so many different methods. We surround ourselves with a multitude of friends, close and casual, and as a result often times find ourselves in many compromising situations. Many of them spiritual, physical, sexual, and financial. We will often let down our guard and won't remain true to ourselves in what we feel or believe for the sake of being loved and accepted which, in turn, can be very damaging. One example might be of a young man who has come to discover that he has desires for intimacy with another young man but has been led to believe that penetration is the deepest form of intimacy between two men yet he himself finds the act unacceptable for whatever reason. But he proceeds anyway, against his own judgement and conscience for the purpose of being loved and accepted. He then is conditioned to believe that this is the mode of operation and, again, in turn, portrays this to other young men, who, like him before, have the same issues regarding our sexuality and how we demonstrate it with those we've chosen to be intimate with. Soon they are overcome with discontentment and the need to experience more, in and out of relationships (some can't even garner that title), one night stands, and they become very self-serving and self-centered because deep within their minds they know they have compromised and given up what is most important to all of us -- and that is our core of conviction. What we believe. Individually. It's a terrible vicious circle which has left many gay men emotionally bankrupt and although the act of sex allows them to have their sexual needs fulfilled (and that issue can be put to question), it does not allow them to truly enjoy the value of what our sexuality brings to us as homosexual men. Even more tragically, this mindset has also allowed us to see the development of one of the most horrific diseases mankind has encountered as well as behold the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people who have succumbed to its ravaging power.

The first "C" of Love making is Conviction. If we are men who enjoy frottage as our principal means of sexual expression we should not be made to feel by anyone that it contradicts what it means to be sexual as homosexual men. Know and identify within you why you don't practice anal sex. If the act of sexual penetration disgusts you identify it and identify why it does. If you're frightened by the possiblity of contracting a sexually transmitted disease make it clear to yourself and without offense to the person you'll be engaging with sexually. If you feel that the act of sexual penetration induces feelings within you of feminine and masculine type sex, or "top and bottom" sex, know that. Whatever it is that causes you to believe against anal penetration allow your conviction regarding it to guide you in your sexual expression.

Secondly, allow your conviction to foster your Confidence. Webster's defines confidence in this way: "The absolute certainty..." and "...no doubt" as well as "...a firm belief in one's own powers." Know that because your sexual expression is not widely practiced within our community you can have the assurance that we are not second class or are sexually immature or alone. There are a number of us in the community who practice frottage and as many who would prefer to practice it but are as I described above. Frottage has been practiced for centuries, in both gay and straight communities. Be confident in knowing that full body contact is how you derive your deepest sexual pleasure and you want to have your partner enjoy the experience as well. It does not induce pain and bodily fluids are only co-mingled outside the body. Know that you're surrounded by many men in our community ranging in ages and from different walks of life who share and understand the pleasure of frottage, who have felt the rejection of those who have made statements like "...Oh...can you really get off that way?" or the uncertainty of how to answer a question like "Are you top or bottom?" Excercise your Confidence. It's there for the taking.

Finally, there's Contentment. Don't allow yourself to get caught up in the deceit of anal penetration. When you live up to your beliefs and you know that there are others whose primary sexual satisfaction is frottage allow yourself the Contentment that your conviction and confidence will bring you. Be content in who you are as a gay man who enjoys frottage. Realize that you will meet men who don't understand what you enjoy sexually. (I've actually met some men who had no idea what frottage is). Be content in knowing that if you are not in a relationship and you enjoy the excitement various encounters may bring, that one encounter may be the one who may become your soulmate. And he's a frottager. When you meet up with that man wherever you may encounter him and he is interested merely in anal penetration as the climax to your encounter, you must live by your conviction, excercise your confidence, and rest in your Contentment. Whether you're wanting something that's lasting and with permanence or enjoy various encounters.